...And here I am again.
So much to say and yet I'm not really sure how to word it all so if this becomes ramblings, I am sorry.
My sister has been losing weight Since Feb 09' and although I have a hard time showing it, the proudness I feel is rather intense. Anyone who has had a weight loss struggle knows how extremely hard it is to be able to overcome yourself and get on with what needs to be done. Every now and then you have winning moments and inspirational stories that give you the motivation you need to be successful in your weight loss journey but more then likely you find yourself in my shoes so eager to succeed until you see that delicious cupcake or the blanket on that couch that calls your name with a nice movie and a snack. You say to yourself "I WILL WORK OUT TODAY" and then computer games and telephone calls all of a sudden seem SO URGENT! And you're back to the "it can wait till tomorrow"
The line I've been struggling with is a bit more deep rooted. You see I am not like my sister I have, for as long as I remembered been "Plus Size" the smallest size I can recall buying myself is size 14 when I was in the 7th grade. Each year of middle and high school that number only increasing and at points decreasing a bit but never enough to really matter. And to be perfectly honest I don't really think I grasp the concept of how skinny or healthy actually feels...."You have always been fat you are always going to be fat" it plays like a broken record in my brain over and over taunting me every time I get a hint of encouragement...I end up falling back down "you have always been fat you are always going to be fat, get over it and move on"
My sister has documented her weight loss journey and all though it's not open for everyone to see she had the courage to share it with a select few for the time being. I read over her blog every entry for the last 9 months, I read them all last night...I read it and then I read it again. And by the time I was done I don't think I could possibly cry another tear. My boyfriend could not understand why I was so upset I am proud of her, in overwhelming amounts, I am encouraged, and I am oh so understanding of the weaknesses she's faced and out right AMAZED at the strength she has shown despite the slip ups and the frustrations that have come her way.
"you are fat you are always going to be fat get over it and move on" FUCK YOU. I will not always be fat, I don't have to be unhealthy. I don't have to have a heart attack before I'm 30. I don't have to use food as a blanket for my insecurities and bad days. I don't have to live with the fact that I cant ride roller coasters at 6 flags because my ass won't fit. I don't have to deal with the aches and pains that come along with this weight. I don't have to be out of breath every time I walk a flight of stairs. I don't have to not go skiing with my family because I cant, I don't have to miss out on my life because of this stupid weight. I can get off my ass I can take baby steps and I can do this. I can. And I will. I will do this. Not so that I fit into a size 14 not so that I look sexy to all the guys, not so that my family will be proud but for me. I will do this so that I can be happy so that I can live a long healthy life so that I can be the person on the outside that is cooped up inside.
Losing weight with make EVERY ASPECT of my life easier. And I've got to stop telling myself I will and then failing. I need to "go big or go home" so to speak.
Starting yesterday I will walk my neighborhood everyday for 2 weeks. I will get my body used to moving and my lungs used to breathing a bit more baby steps. After those 2 weeks I will start going to the Fitness Center and doing weight training along w/ my walking I will do this for 30 min a day for 2 weeks after those 2 weeks I will bump my time up I will walk further and train longer because my first step to a heal tier me is to get moving....so here I am I must hold myself accountable but I need you guys to hold me accountable as well I will not rely on you to succeed cuz I have to do that on my own but with every journey in our lives we must have a support system. Be my support system.
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